In sickness and in alternative therapies

or

The Art of Leaving People Alone

“My wife is a workshopaholic,” says Monish, explaining yet again his wife’s absence at an extended-family reunion. People around titter, but Monish is, for the most part, not joking. Shipra is attending her 9th workshop of the year (and it’s only March) – this time it’s one on pranic healing, or past-life regression, or artistic yoga, or whatever. No one’s knocking-mocking any therapies here; it’s the serial flirtation with every shade of self-discovery/awareness workshop that’s getting to Monish.
Barely does the dust settle after one particular kind of churning or self-exploratory archaeological khoj, that promises to reveal layer after unconscious layer, and Shipra’s off on the next one. Why is this a problem for a spouse who is otherwise a much-admired ‘enabler’ of his wife’s many endeavours? For several reasons.

First, the search-for-self agenda means that Shipra spends serious time absent from the marriage. At 43 and 39 this shouldn’t be a huge problem, Monish tells himself, as do some of his friends and Shipra’s fellow-searchers. But the fact remains that he misses her presence – often at dinner, at public places, in just everyday situations. And he has little scope to say this without being labeled a non-enabling spouse, MCP (remember that antiquated catch-all phrase? – it can still be trotted out), and clinger.

Second, it’s a problem because, as Monish puts it, “Every time she returns from one of these jamborees, I’m supposed to change.” Sounds funny, but again, he’s not joking. He’s feeling seriously beleaguered. This is how it pans out, each time: Even before the learnings from whatever new workshop she’s attended really sink in and she has herself internalized them or put them into even tentative practice, Shipra’s on his case to change something about himself ‘for the better’. It’s almost like she has a new whip in her hand, and the rest of the family (which is Monish, because their teenaged kids won’t put up with it) has to learn new tricks. It’s to do with diet, or breathing patterns, or water intake, or thought processes, or choice of words, or ways of worship, or sleeping cycles, or relationships with people, or a range of behaviours that come under the microscope and are found wanting, thanks to Workshop No. 118 and counting. Monish played along for a while, first for the novelty of it, then to try and stay on the same page as her, and finally to keep the peace.

Third, the workshopaholic thing has become a problem because whatever new therapy/philosophy/system is on the cards, Shipra needs to practice it with the fervour of the new convert. So overnight, life as Monish knows it changes. From certain foods getting banned, to internal home structures being changed, to colours, to drinks, to eat-sleep times…you get the picture.

Now before everyone thinks – ah, this Shipra is just a contrary cow, and why’re we wasting time talking about some nut-job babe and why doesn’t he just dump her, do note: a) there are plenty of men doing this kind of a thing too, insistently dragging spouses along on whatever jagged journey they’re on; and b) Shipra isn’t a nut-job really. There’s a genuine search somewhere there, a struggle; it’s just that it has been misfocused out of recognition, what with the world around us having turned into a Great Mall of Healing Therapies or some such. And this has engendered an army of half-baked healees who’re in a hurry to uncork the healing stuff and spread it around. It’s almost as if, the faster you enlist your spouse/family, the more instant your nirvana.

But the truth is that real quests rarely involve finding quick converts or making life difficult for people around you with your esoteric and high-maintenance regimens. That is at best faddist and at worst cultist behaviour.

What is someone in Monish’s situation to do? Difficult question. Obviously, besides playing along, he’s also tried protesting, or inserting some humour into the situation, or doggedly not co-operating. And he has seen that they’re possibly headed to leading lives on parallel tracks, or worse, divergent ones. Do they need help? Yes. Preferably from someone outside, who will be able to point out to Shipra that she, among other things, needs to leave Monish be. And that the phrase in the marriage vows was: ‘in sickness and in health’ - not ‘in sickness and in alternative therapies’.

GOURI DANGE