Motor Vehicle Mutants

If you want to Belong in Pune traffic, or anywhere in India really, Grow up and Get With the Program

It’s that old question: Who came first – the chicken or the egg? Well may we ask this question about Pune’s traffic and its driving public. Is it the congestion, pollution and noise that has created strange mutations of the driving species? Or is it our peculiar and unique breed of drivers that has led to traffic becoming a four-letter word in this city? This cause-and-effect question can be debated endlessly, but one thing is agreed on: we in Pune are not ‘normal’ drivers.

To define the ab- or paranormal, one must first know what the normal is. The normal driver, very broadly speaking, is one who uses both hands to steer, looks in front, presses the horn only to caution other drivers, remembers and uses universally recognized signals learnt at driving school and sneaks past a red light only once in a while.

What we see driving around on Pune’s roads are, clearly, mutants of the original driving species.

Mutant 1: Thumb welded to horn. This mutant believes that the horn is part of the fuel/propulsion apparatus of the vehicle. It believes it is able to get from point A to point B faster than everyone else, propelled by its horn. It also makes red traffic lights turn magically green by sheer horn power. It also wonders why others foolishly drive on silently, when this superior fuel is available free of cost in every vehicle.
Mutant 2: Two-wheeler mind trapped in Four-wheeler body. It wears a car but has a two-wheeler mind. It will squeeze past anything, zig-zag through lanes, stop in the middle of the road suddenly to comb its hair and even park behind your parked vehicle. Don’t take it personally. It has a slim two-wheeler mental image of itself– so it really doesn’t think its blocking you. It also overtakes other cars from the left, and trucks too. And lives to tell the tale. Or sometimes doesn’t - Martyr to the Mutant cause.
Mutant 3: Mother in a rush. This too is likely to be a two-wheeler-in-the-head-person – with the added ferocity of a Tigress trying to reach her Offspring. Get out of her way, and don’t expect her to use her signals - don’t you know the route from her house to the school? Why does she have to signal for you? Sherni kabhi signal deti hai kya?
Mutant 4: Cell phone welded to ear. This mutant does not have the normal human apparatus required to use a handsfree. It holds the phone to the ear, changes gears with the right hand, drives with one hand if on a two wheeler, and has no receiving apparatus for other traffic sounds like horns and policeman’s whistle. The only consolation is that it coughs up hundreds of rupees in fines the minute it enters Mumbai, if it goes there.
Mutant 5: From the mouth of a canon. It shoots out of a small lane and straight into the main road without a glance at the traffic – as if someone fired it out of the mouth of a canon – pow! In an earlier time, such drivers were seen as fools with a death wish. Today they’re kings of the road.
Mutant 6: High-beamers. Come sun-down, and this mutant switches on its high-beam, fog lights, and any other beacons provided by the vehicle manufacturer, and switches them off only on reaching its destination. If you signal it with the dipper option, it is known to blind you with a halogen beam. It may soon opt for laser headlights that directly burn out the corneas of finicky on-coming drivers.
Mutant 7: Octogenarian going on Sixteen. Starts out from point of departure at a certain speed and gear and does not/cannot/will not change these till arrival at destination and complete halt. Has nerves of steel, tempered by years of driving in the city.
Mutant 8: Three-lane switcher. Usually driving a three-wheeler, this mutant has no reflexes of its own. They are all in the hands of his passenger. He can cut a diagonal across three lanes the instant the passenger asks him to turn into a lane to attend to a chore he/she has suddenly remembered. The more evolved species has the ability to signal its intention by wiggling its toes stuck a few inches out of the vehicle.
Mutant 9. Head fitted in reverse. This mutant’s head twists around the second it begins to drive its 2 or 4 wheeler. It can and does have conversations, tell jokes, even hold meetings, and gives eye contact to pillion riders or passengers right through the drive.
Mutant 10: Blessed with multiple eyes. This ones has developed all-round, 360 º vision, like a mosquito. At all times, it can see and process what is going on everywhere on the road, all around. And thus it can drive in Pune without being hit by or hitting Mutants 1 to 9.

Maybe you recognize yourself in this list. Congratulations. And then, maybe you’re new to Pune. You thought your road sense was well- seasoned by driving in other cities of India. But now you find yourself virtually dysfunctional in the city traffic. You glare sarcastically at the Mutants and sometimes make rude gestures at them, but nobody even notices. So you’re planning to write a stiff letter to the RTO or the Editor or Someone.

Oh come on - Grow Up and Get with the Program. Just unlearn all that prissy-sissy stuff you learnt at Motor School and you’ll be fine. Then you’ll really Belong.