Fussy-wussy foods

Remember the boy who shouted: ‘But the Emperor has no clothes!’? And down came all the pretend pomp and fake fawning. We need that little boy around sometimes, when it comes to the great fuss and frills of gourmet land. Or we can become that boy for a while, and refuse to gush and genuflect to a range of overrated foods that have forced themselves on international plates and palates. They’ve found their way to the Snob’s A list, and hung on there, without any real innate charm, one would venture to say. They’re foods that people have spent too much time, money and energy on. There are far too many of them which seem to have enjoyed good press for far too long. They’re your quintessential Page 3 foods. All strut, style and very little substance.

This A list has on it the usual suspects: caviar, champagne, strawberries, salmon, tiger prawns, truffles, fugu, pate de foie gras …oh one could go on.

Actually why blame these foods – they’re really ok, and didn’t ask to be turned into some kind of icons and snob-badges. They were just sitting there, at the bottom of the sea, or underground, or hanging from a plant…It’s us humans that put them on a pedestal, paid obeisance, pushed up their prices, and dropped their names around to look like we’re so with-it.

Take caviar. What’s with that whole caviar thing? Such a big fuss for something, if you were given to taste blind, would pass off as a morsel of mushed green peas that have seen better days. But take a cracker, heap on the more humble smoked oyster, and feel your tastebuds giving a standing ovation. Or why even smoked Os. Simply offer people a well-made spoon of velvety scrambled egg on a piece of cracker, and the cocktail circuit will polish off a platter rapidly. The caviar they’re likely to talk a lot about, and shut their eyes and go ‘ummmm’ – but no one’s going to wolf it down, for sure.

Or strawberries. What’s the fuss, can someone explain? A whole lot of unsung berries, like the shehtut or mulberry, are hugely yummier, with loads more character. But they never find themselves cultivated, romanced and photographed the way the s’berry seems to be. As for strawberries dipped in chocolate – that seems to be just two members of the A list being put together to generate more snobbery. And that whole thing of strawberries with cream. Like it’s some heaven-planned combo. Comeon! Anything tastes fabulous with cream if you like cream. Even chikoos and bananas.

Which brings us to that other big noise: the alphonso mango. Of course it tastes great – but so do 93 other varieties of mangoes from the country. But do they feature? Not even in group photos, the poor guys. The langda, the dashehri, the choosa, the kesar never walk the ramp and are rarely if never wrapped in individual tissue and put on a plane, for godsake. But sink your teeth into one of them and they’re as good, if not better.

As for truffles, those oh-so difficult to come by growths, sniffed out by pigs and unicorns or whatever mythical beast at the base of trees in pristine forests and what-not. Much ado about nothing. Someone pass us the abundantly available oyster mushrooms and the shitakes please.

Tiger prawns, at their astronomical price, are no gastronomical delight really. Their country cousin, the plain petite prawn, win hands down, really. They’re packed with flavour and cartloads of character. Tigers look good on the plate, and even better in photographs. But since when do pretty pictures fill the tum?

As for champagne, most times, only because it’s become so mandatory, a couple of bottles are popped and they do their fizz and everyone claps and laughs prettily at occasions. But when the six-packs come out, with their reassuring snap and hiss, the party really begins. Apple juice and slightly bubbly ale tastes better than champagne. But get someone to say this out in public? Difficult.

Smoked salmon is another of those red herrings, or damp squibs, if you will. Ask real foodies, and they’d opt for a sliver of well-cured smoked ham, any day. But smoked salmon is one of those globe-trotting strutters; the sophisticate’s ally. Ham just tastes great and doesn’t get around a lot. No one writes about the humble ham, and no one takes glossy pictures. But they should.

Interestingly, the first time that they taste one of these much-hyped A list foods, most people’s secret and innermost thought is: “This is it?” But such is the power of the myth, that they’re obliged to cover up quickly and go ‘ummm’ and come up with a suitably ecstatic expressions. Then they have to come up with words like full-bodied, peaty, earthy, heavenly, bouquet, texture, al dente, and a whole lot of attendant words that are no use to man or beast really.