Coffee Crystal & Bootleg Bailey's

Coffee Crystal
In a fit of spring-cleaning his father's house, a friend once passed on to me a beautiful set of after-dinner coffee cups. "He won't even notice they're gone," he muttered. Demonstrating how his father was a compulsive collector and shopper, he jabbed angrily at the bottom of the cups, on which the price stickers sat intact. The old man hadn't used them even once in over eight years since they'd been bought.

I took them home - these delicate moon-white porcelain productions - all set to begin a new ritual. After-dinner coffee. Nice ring to it. Held against the light, the bottoms of the cups revealed a 'water-mark' image of a spaniel's face. Hmm…like I want to be reminded that the dog needs walking, after bottoms-upping an after-dinner coffee.

Thing is, for over five years since I got those mugs, there were just no takers for after-dinner coffee. The twice that I drank some myself, I found I was bouncing off the walls with wakefulness till 2 am. Ghastly. Most guests too simply said no to my offers and entreaties. "Working day tomorrow," they would say, over-practical Puneris to the last man. Reminding me that possibly I have this image of after-dinner coffee from books and the movies. And from the previous planet that I inhabited - where most people partied till 3 am, slept in till 12 noon and stumbled out to shout: "Shivaa (the man-servant, not the God) nashta lagao."

Anyway, my moon-white spaniels went unnoticed for years. Till I discovered Coffee Crystal. And no, we don’t mean Coffee Mousse. That's for wusses and weenies. For dudh-pitaa bachhas. Crystal is a kick-ass, adult version. You can't really call it a dessert. It's a double-entendre night-cap really. The coffee and demerara sugar in it wires you up for a range of post-dinner activities, from the sublime to the routine. (Hey don't look at me for suggestions, I just work here.) The alcohol in it works from the opposite direction, warding off the threat of coffee-induced insomnia.

Even non-coffee drinkers can't resist it. The Crystal's mesmeric, translucent amber-brown is the perfect counterpoint to dark, heavy-handed gateaux and bright orange gajjar halwa. Ideally, then, you should set it in small, individual goblets or dainty coffee cups, so that you can enjoy the colour. But I'm running ahead of my story.

Here's how you make one serving (simple multiplication to make more). Get started about 6 hours before you serve it; not very much later (it might not set) or earlier (it might over-set into a slightly flubbery version - like those nylon erasers we used to die for in school - remember, we used to call them 'scent rubbers' - before that word became a no-no):

1 small cup water heated just below boiling point
add 1 well-heaped teaspoon strong instant coffee
add 2 heaped teaspoons demerara (brown) sugar
add 1 level teaspoon gelatine
stir well till everything's dissolved
run through a tea-strainer to eliminate any bits of gelatine stubbornly floating around
mix in 1 peg of brandy/whisky. Any kind. You got cognac or malt to spare, throw it in. You got plain old Indian stuff, it works as well.
Pour this liquid, while still warm, into a goblet or a nice after-dinner coffee cup
Place in fridge where it won't get jostled too much
About two hours later, it will have set
Now pour a couple of tablespoons of whipped cream over it
Dust lightly with cinnamon powder or cocoa powder
Serve.

Enjoy the after-effects: coffee sonay nahi degi, aur daru jaagnay nahi dega. Instead of cream, you could lay on some Irish Cream.

Bootleg Bailey's
Which brings me to one of my favourite deft deceptions: Bootleg Bailey's. The recipe for which I scribbled down on a paper napkin in Prithvi Café circa 1987 with a Boxer named Annie under the table. The dog went on to becoming slightly addicted to a post-party lick of the stuff. Here's how you make this humble but heady hooch:

A tin of condensed milk
One egg (or not)
1 cup of cream (store-bought or home-collected)
1 half of any whisky
1 level teaspoon of instant coffee
1/2 a teaspoon of unsweetened cocoa.
Bung all this into a tallish pan, run a hand-held electric-whisk through for half a minute.
It's ready.
Bottle and store in the fridge.

Use liberally to top ice-creams, jellies, puddings, trifles, even dudhi halwa, believe it or not. Or simply serve on its own.