Attack of the Networkers

‘Networking’ – that word sends a shiver down my spine, these days. In the old days it was called ‘making contacts’. Then that phrase took on a crass, pushy hue, so now people Network. No doubt, it’s part of doing business – letting people know that you have goods or services to offer; or that you’re looking out for goods and services to buy. How else would businesses function? What seems downright creepy, however, is that there is now a whole lot of people who simply do not make the distinction between catching up with friends, and Networking. So every interaction, every evening out, every telephone chat is a potential business proposition. Much as I love men and women in their early 30s for their focus, sense of fun, positivity, and growing maturity, a lot of people in this age-group seem to be true devotees of Networking.

It takes just a very slim reference for a serious devotee to begin Networking activity. A web-designer friend called up the other day: "I’m going to Bangalore – give me the names and numbers of any friends you have there." "What for?" I asked.

"To get business," he said.

"Array, how can you just call people out of the blue and press business out of them?" I asked.

"But I won’t be calling out of the blue – I’ll be calling as your friend," he said, by now wondering why I was behaving so guarded. "It’s just networking, yaar, we’ll go out for a beer, chat."

"But maybe they don’t want to go out for a beer and be chatted at," I heard myself saying. My young friend muttered something that sounded horribly like "cranky old woman" – but I can’t be sure.

Somehow, we weren’t on the same page, as the Americans call it.

Does anyone remember a time when people would ask you if they could ‘quote your reference’? Not anymore, in Networksville. It is most legit, now, to drop your name in the right quarters, if that helps. (I hope people are suitably impressed that I am a potential name dropee for name droppers. But that’s not the point.)

And if amongst your old friends is a celebrity or two – an IT biggy or a film star or a famous chef or something, you have to really watch it. The Networker a) wants to ride piggy back and instantly get on first-name terms with them b) is really flummoxed that you haven’t used this connection for your own advancement. And if you were to complain that you’re going through a bald-patch, workwise, the Networker will sigh in resignation and say – "well with your contacts…" to which you bleat: "But they’re my friends and not my contacts. And we’ve remained friends precisely because I haven’t used them as contacts." At this juncture, you get a pitying, disdainful look – as if you’re some fussy-fiddly leftover from a bygone era. And you deserve to have bald-patches in your career.

Networking can sometimes be performed with the same hope and tenacity with which people squeeze out toothpaste from a tube that’s all used up and flattened. Take this scenario: You may have mentioned in passing that your dentist needs to upgrade his equipment and spruce up his clinic. Before you know it, a Networker friend asks you for your dentist’s number. Assuming that people go to dentists only when they have an impending dental crisis, you pass on the number. Only to be called up by your irritated dentist (never irritate them, they’re equipped with high-precision sharp weaponry) who asks you why you’ve done "choo" and set some person trying to sell new medical equipment on him like a killer-dog. You explain that you thought he wanted to come as a patient…and then it dawns on both of you: The Networking virus has struck.

A week ago, I went out for dinner with some people to sample some great fish and get to know them better. A mixed bunch we were: a few writers, some journos, a software person, a yoga instructor, and some more people, whose professions I didn’t know, and we never got down to talking about them. That’s because no one, thank god, was Networking. All of us present were more than our professions, and so had much to say on sundry subjects, from Automobile repair to Zucchini growing – none of which we do professionally. Then we ate some fish, and then some more. If that’s wasting an evening of potential profession peddling, bring on the kolambi sukhe, and keep the sol kadi flowing, I’d say.

Slice it any which way, constant Networking – in the gym, at dinners, at weddings, at kid’s birthday parties - can only be described as opportunism dressed in frilly clothes. The interesting and yet sad thing is, that somewhere, the Networker knows that he or she is pushing the ticket. Why else would they get themselves business cards made out of some dread material that simply can’t be torn and thrown away, and is capable of surviving floods, fires and nuclear holocausts?