After the affair

After the Fall

So you screwed up. You did what is high up there, right on top of the list of screwing up in a marriage. You wandered. You wandered with no intention of going anywhere too far off. You basically took a detour, for a change of scenery. And then you got found out and you lurched back on to the road, strewing mutilated bodies all around, including yours, your wife’s, the other woman’s, and your kids’ (and don’t b.s. yourself that your kids didn’t catch on, they always do; they just keep their nose out of it, keep a low profile and hope that somehow it will all go away; but oh, they know when mom and dad are inflicting collateral damage.)
Now, somehow, you and your wife/significant other have managed to put it behind you and carry on. But it’s a bumpy ride, and sometimes it feels plain unsafe – like you’re riding with a consignment of temperamental hand grenades in the back of the car. Yes, you’re both keeping on driving ahead, but that’s about it. It doesn’t feel good and it doesn’t feel safe. And you’re wondering if this is how the rest of your married life is going to be.
So pull over for a minute.
Remember there’s a sequence in which you need to repair the damage, and only then really do you move ahead, together. It’s a little like when you get a flat tire. When you change tires, you simply have to maintain the sequence, and if you miss out any of the steps, you have all kinds of problems, major and minor, which force you off the road later. The jack has to be squarely placed, the handbrake has to be up, the four loosened nuts have to be kept carefully aside where you can find them (novices loose sight of them in the dirt), the spare has to be taken out (and that nut-bolt kept carefully). When you fit the spare tire, the bolts have to be not just put back, you have to tighten them securely, or they’re known to come off and cause bizarre accidents and fatalities. Then your tool kit has to go back where it belongs. Many drivers are known to, in the rush of relief at having changed the tire successfully, simply drive off, leaving essentials behind on the road. A little later, there’s the flat tire in your boot to be fixed, as soon as possible. The number of people who drive around with a flat tire as their spare is not funny. That’s the kind of invisible reckless driving that will do you in one day.
And what’s all this got to do with having an affair and patching up with your wife/significant other? Essentially this: in your hurry and relief at quickly getting back to ‘normal’ after the shit hits the fan, don’t miss out some essential steps that you simply have to go through, to ensure that you really make up and move ahead, together.
So here’s a brief manual of must-dos after the affair. Actually there are separate His and Hers manuals. (Ya,ya, I know having an extra-marital affair is not a male prerogative, and women have stormed that bastion too, but here I’m talking about straying men only; modify the instructions for yourself if you’ve got the reverse situation on your hands.)

His:
After you’ve said sorry, don’t walk away from the emotional stuff. ‘Admitting’ and ‘saying sorry’ are just the beginning of mending. Be there, work at fixing things that caused the drift in the first place, listen, talk. Don’t throw the ‘How many times do you want me to say I’m sorry?’ line. Because it’s not about how many times, it’s about how you’re sorry.
However, don’t become abject. Hold on to your dignity. Not arrogance or defiance, but dignity. Big difference. This means, that in your rush to make it ok, don’t become the resident whipping boy, who can be summoned to discuss the affair at any time of the day or night. However much you screwed up, you have many rights intact. So don’t take counter-abuse. Far too many men, after the episode, accept a life-long sentence in the dog house. This includes having to give up on things that were important to them, eroding of their authority/place with the kids, unavailability of basic courtesies, intimacy, etc.
Cut out the gifts. They don’t work. They just smell of hush-money. Her accepting them doesn’t mean she’s in forgiving mode. For years later they’ll sit around reminding her of ‘that time’. Just gift your time and your energies; re-invest in the relationship, not in expensive carbon and cruises.
Never joke about it. Not today, not never, not ever. The affair is not in the humour domain. Not even black humour.


Hers:
Demand answers, but do try not to go for the details. Ask why, because that will help you both to understand what to mend. But drop the how, where, how many times and other perverse minutiae that you’re tempted to get into. Mapping that stuff harms you, harms him, and nothing comes of it except a scab-pulling kind of pleasure.
Maintain your own dignity. Get a woman or man friend or a counsellor to help you on this one. Don’t try to sort it all out via the offending husband. Weeping fits, tantrums, cold white silences, all of them are totally understandable, but they don’t have to be in front of him at all times.
Don’t use genuine making-up and forgiveness time to simply make hay. Far too many women use this period to extract unrealistic promises, gifts, subtle power shifts, and all kinds of ultimately useless ‘privileges’.
Never joke about it. Not today, not never, not ever. The affair is not in the humour domain. Not even black humour.


For him and her: After an emotional accident of this kind, get down to mending and tending your marriage. Don’t just drive on fast and furiously without putting the nuts and bolts back in place.

GOURI DANGE